A Commemoration of Youth

Love, Regrets and Hope — Again

A DAY CLOSE

It feels like: Returning
To my place
A palace…lit with dark
Love;

Exasperated , lost, beatified
After a long —
Thirsty walk
Thro’ the Meadows dark —
A desert devoid.

And at last
There was that sheen — that call.
A smile spread: sweeping broad.

From the snaky swallowing isthmus,
Thro’ the eyes still — at rest
Came forth , gushed —
Mirthful Mithridate
Overflowed.

I sewed together
All those musings
And felt the opiating —
Earth,
Smelled the petrichor
Beheld the skulking —
Cerulean
The soul said : ‘Adieu,
My friend!’

In insouciance blissed
And then the mind
With a smile still still
Replied :
Au revoir! Godspeed!’

And when it came
All rushed past into
One..or no! It was a cipher or —
An infinity?
And what existed — still-was
Me.

UTTERANCE

On a midsummer’s night
With the moon so high
And a starry sky
I stood still
Amidst the light —
Light that I could see.

Therein was a street ,
The street which had upheld me.
The street where life
Began to toll
And with it now slept
The swinging shards.

O! What a harmony was It!
The wind laid up
Her mother’s touch
And then the silence
From its spire
Came lilting to
Sing her choir.

And who was I ?
But a mere spectre-
Who beheld the stars,
The moon , the night;
Whose hairs doth the
The winds played with
And through whose ears
The silence streamed in.

But then I also had a mind
And thir I felt (or trow ?) :-

An expanse of expanding —
Dark,
Contoured by a glinting —
Thread.
Fusing unto the infi-
Night.
And therein-
Took birth and died
An octillion orions.
An umpteen springs —
Of light,
Did sprout -
Only to traverse
Athwart me
And once again they did
Collapse-like snails
Into that multitude.

The multiverse came rushing hither,
And what I Saw! O!
How could I Tell?
For my mind gave up to heart
The beauty was in-effable
And God was there,
Who with my heart,
Doth danced.
A dance , my mind
Couldn’t construe
For it was nor a dance.
And then he threw his arms
around me —
Arms that didn’t felt
But I wist that
They were there
For all that was — was ‘I’
In bubbling bliss.

The ship came by and
I chimed in.
And ‘who was I ?’
‘I’ knew then — -
I was just a thought
A thought that sailed
Among the soaring stars.
But how much did
I yearned ! My God!
To be heard,
To be sort,
To be loved.

And then a voice
As sweet and lovely
As that of a friend — teaching
Soothed:
‘You are a thought and you
Must fly, through the zillion realms
For there are thousands whom I love,
Whose paths you must exult
With your light — so bright
And in that I blest

You find —
An another agog thought
That shall sort you out
And with this synergy
The sphere would glow
In chimerical effulgence.’

And though I never heard
A voice
But in my heart I am foretoken
That an angel would come some day
Just to espy my utterance
Just to be my utterance.

THAT WHICH FLOWS

What have I done?
O! What have I Done?
Had I betrayed my self ?
Or had I sinned ‘gainst God?
Had I slain myself ?
Or what that flowed through Me?
Had I been through Inferno?
Or was I ordained to Be?

What was I here to Do?
And what have I Done?
Ye look upon my works, Great Gods
And thwart me , curse me , save me
O! God!
Suck through me each drop of thy noble blood
And banish me to thy purga-tory.

O! My God! Let me flee
Let me flee my body
O! How much do I loathe Myself!
O! Were I to live with This?
And nobody
And nobody
To soothe my Soul?
God let me fly !
God let me Fly!
Or kill me ,shoot me…into perdition.

O! God do you hear Me?
Do you hear Me?
Oh! Why Me?

O! Who was there for Me?
O! Who was there for Me?
To whom I may tell
The sin so great
That upon my soul
Still prevailed.

No one was there
And I stood there,
With heaves of time upon me..
I felt it there, I heard it there,
And then , and then,
Three slaps on my face and crying —
Eternal crying
And worse than that was that
It was within me,
I couldn’t let it flow
For there were people
Whom I feared, I loved …I , I betrayed.

O! What a great intent was upto I ?
And what a piteous man was I?
Oh! Why not death shroud comes to
Those who want to die,
Who have so wrong deeds Done!
Was it my Damnation?

O! Help me God
For I don’t wanna die.
I want to serve thy cause , My God!
I want to be thy cause.
But is there any place , my God,
In thy heaven,
For those fallen
Into the Stygian pit of Last?
O! How deep had I Fallen?
And so, so ugly of me
To ask for thy pity,
Who betrayed by me was.
O! God why did you trust Me?
O! How much do i long, my God,
For thy trust , thy love , for….. thee.
Let me rise, my God —
Like the Phoenix great
But first kill me, burn me, my God
With lots of hell
Within me.

O! Why hath I done It?

And then I with my dirty hands
Did durst pick all those Debris
That seduced me into my great Fall !
And with a mind more dirty
Did Bury all those things dirty

But what was the Use?
I Knew, I knew, it would come again
And I be seduced again
Into those dirty sins .
I knew the Satan would whisper ‘gain,
But would my mind, my master,
Withold Me? Or let the paradise be lost
Again?

I came back to my place,
And felt those things fade ‘way.
But what I did that day
Still treads my mind each day.
Each Time , I Laugh I Think,
Am I worth It?
While many so good than me,
Still suffer hell each day?
Each time I wake I think,
Am I worth It?
While many so good than me
Have seen no ray till Day?

Each time I live , I think,
Am I worth It?
And then my heart doth rains,
Sisyphean rains…
O! How much do I yearn, my mariner
to tell thee : ‘Penance is better than no Penance’.
There was a hell there for me.
There is a hell here for me.

But why was I to Suffer?
And why so guilt be ridden on Me?
O! My God!
Do clear these clouds of darkness
And let the summer shine, in my window — so little
For I love Thee!

And then the moment came
When I saw the ‘ Why? ‘
I saw how much this suffering
Made me, my soul,and the message was clear.
O God! How much you made me Discover!

It gave me my cause , my reason
And then I had something to live for
Or rather happily die.

But still I have that fear , my God
For I had done the sin an umpteen times
And….And would it come Again?
O! What was the fate of me , dear Gods ?
I would leave no stone unturned
To prove my fears , falser.
But I have history of falls , Almighty,
To fear, to flee , to die-ther.
O! God bless me with thy love,
For they say : God loves the fallen.
God give me hope, thy love
For I have now avowed:

That though there may be darkness
Though I may be fallen
And though the devils may come,
I will fight my fate
I will fight my fate.
The winds may usher storms
The nights may be too long
But I will await the morn
I will, reach the morn.

For there is someone whom I love
For there is someone who loves me.

WELL, YOU DECIDE !

Well,
What is it….that is ?
Or is more beautiful?
To behold — a dandelion seed
Slowly swinging swirling down
Or to — set it adrift
By a frisky sprightly Blow?

Or to — just
Sit by the side
Like me — and contemplate ?
Well, you decide,
You think !

A MESSAGE

Tomorrow,

I have a meeting.

It’s going to be nice..

Perhaps, it would feel good —

I think.

You know,

I’d be meeting

One whom i had loved —

My whole life —

My cause , my existence , my..

self , perhaps.

But … but ,

I had loved

You too.

Please come , please —

I need you.

Do come here once

And cry with me —

Hold my hands, dear & hug me..

I need it , Today.

For tomorrow ,

I have a meeting —

With God .

You understand ,
Don’t You?
Please..

HEART’S SEA , HEARTS SEE

The world :
It flowed and flew and foamed
We sat together.
It felt so good.

Feet dangled ,
Hands fondled hands —
Into an eternity.
An offing I descried —
So serene
Hurling lovingly
Sussurous spume
Heralding —
Morphean tidings.

But soon
That which was and is
Was reborn —
Into a Lea
With swards that spread
Ceding with winds
Cavorting there
Their blue hearts.

Then once again —
Through those labyrinthine-
Whorls
Came forth a Godly charm
That as though
Was a magic wand
Reframed that lea.

A quarantine —
With an iridescence…
That quemed.

Oh! No!
I felt those hands
Withdrew,
A shock —
Into the truth.
And then
And then…
It befell me :

That it was just her —
Eyes.

Eyes met.
Souls clicked.
The heart — a squab
Then soared : Let it be
Into the boundless seas —
Of God.

I SAW A PINK GIRL

I saw a pink girl
Lights ‘round her , were all about
Sucked- came to life and off again.
She went afar…
Strings stretched , hearts twitched.
Round about , then to and fro
She slided up and down.
Then like an eyesore-
Danced again.

A song of hope
Then did she sing
With brio enow,
Whilst all an eye came out
And stared me still.
There was something…
Really nice —
That pin-pained pinions-
Of mind.

Ah!
A man strolled past
threw her apart.
But..
Oh!
How Deadly !
She sung that song still.
Woke up an old fish now,
That hiked up and , and —
Pierced.
I was in her shadow.
A squall of past
Tore apart — weakened
I broke..
Ran away into a hole so black.

Oh!
How naive was she…
And what a squalid had I Been ?
So much had I reneged..
It had been right that
I be bereaved.

Oh ! How happy would
I have been
Had I laid there —
And cried for love
And ended at last
With love.

Oh! How happy would
I have been
Had I held her hands-so soft
As time had flown
And hadn’t left her
Because , because -
I was sane.

Oh! How happy would
I have been
Had I believed that
She had lived
And not threw her
Aa a mere-
Lump of plastic wrapped in cloth.

Oh! How happy would
I have been
Had I tried to jump
To touch the sky
And had ended
In the death pit —
Of hope —
With her.

But I was sane
And…
My life was sane
And full of pain
Devoid of hope , of love…
Of her.
Devoid of any truths of life.

And what was that
Which made me Sane?
A Devil perhaps ,
Or that which runs
The world till day ?

But..
Am not going to be like this anymore.
I am going to leave ,
Very soon..
For I had sinned
And have to return…
To my rose.
Sorry.

LET IT FALL

Do you see Her?
Do you hark the Flutes? —
Of soughing winds ?
Just this moment…
And for once, please
I know she comes.

Her hands I felt
And sparks of bliss,
With love so much —
A redivivus me.
But soon , so soon,
They drizzled ‘way.

I let them drop, let her be filled.
I knew she came soon full.
She sung her songs..
And I saith , nay, cried out loud,
‘’O! Thou , my Self
I bow to you..
All prayers and offerings unto thee
From front , from behind,
And from all sides.
O! I love thee,
And all content.
Let it all burst , into that one..
And just a hug , a laugh for all.
O! Burn it all up in one blow.’’
— That was for the soul.

I knew, she knew.
She set all afloat.
I danced through her
And she through me,
I knew I was to fall.

And thus,was the incipient star-
And so it all begun-
So light , all dark ,
I fell and fell and fell.
Round and round and
In and out
Thro’ the idyllic Welkins..
We flashed into existence.
I could still longer be no me.
I was not that had been.
All light and light and lightened light..
A million cosmic forms.
Then just a still , a humming silence…
Perhaps a torpor , No.
I was stretched ..
Something traversed that string.
Just -I was -no time ,
Nothing at all.
All this in vivo God.

A wave of love-then put me
Back. I had touched her —
Heart.
I knew it had been always there —
The lamp in those vast ichor seas,
It was not any will o’ wisps, but my life,
My breath.

She was fulfilled.
The great wheel — somewhere
In my great being —
Then called her back.
Sotto voce -
I kissed ,my rain , goodbye.

Oh! Dear, great , Lord!!
Do take care of my -yours-part
Just-bless her.
Lots of Love!!

HEARTS FLY, STRINGS SNAP

A heart oozed out,
Today —
Brimming-burning, it bore it’s way
I kept feeling… but empty.

I lost it Now!
It felt more empty
All brackish wells went dry.
A stilling numbness, held in air
And soon that too
Went ‘way

’Cause breaths —
Madly in love with heart,
Followed it — to no fate.

Hearts fly , strings snap-
Hearts fly , strings snap
This fool still loves-
To live on strings — — Astray.

MUDDY WATERS- A Burning within

Must my throat be thickened —
With lust and greed, ‘gination?
May my nakedness — so slow
My true breath, glamour and all-show
Live forever and ever so.

This way me-myself shall show..
The vicious seed that has been sowed-
Or has been strangled in the glow?
That who I am — to my soul,
Make mud swallow all waters low.

My soul- the sun
Then it must know
That I- the self-engulfing one
The single cloud that grows and grows
Want the sun to burn and shine
No tear drop must see this land —
Till tears all are acid.

No wind- I command-
Shall grace this face
Till sun stones it to
All disgrace!

May all darkness be my reign!
I-The cloud shall never rain!

May all darkness be my reign!
I-The cloud shall never rain!

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Searching 🧐 for the forgotten and lost truths